Fixing Elden Ring and its Unfathomableness

There were no 15 minutes introductory cutscenes. There’s no quest log or diary of recent dialogue. Hell, there isn’t even a Sonic the Hedghog-esque voice actor saying “previously on…” every time I load. I have no idea what’s happening in Elden Ring – and I love it.

I mean, hey, I like being beaten over the head with issues as much as the next guy. I’m sure those giants I’ve killed over and over are Somalian pirates or something. Or maybe those damn guys in Castle Morne have committed hate crimes. I’m fairly certain the skeletons are a slyly hidden reference to the evils of eating disorders.

Call it novelty, but I like not having a clue why I’m doing the things I’m doing. For instance, I like not needing a reason to fight the baddies, or permission to raid a castle.  I like that I’m given a task – it was 13 gaming hours ago that I found out what that was, so I barely remember it – and then I’m just told to go out into the world. The health-topper-uppers point in a direction sometimes. That’s something right?

The beauty of Elden Ring is that the plot is completely and utterly secondary. The lore of this world is a treasure to be found, replacing those sparkly treasures in usual third-person action games designed to simply extend your adventure.

For only one of a few times in recent years, I’m playing a popular AAA video game that isn’t trying to be a movie. This is what video games are. They shouldn’t be reduced to scripted set-pieces between scripted videos. They should be GAMES.

With that said, there’s a few things that definitely need fixing. I think with just these simple changes, From might turn their little hit into a global powerhouse.

Fixing Elden Ring

• My tarnished needs a quirky tarnished of the opposite sex who will turn up occasionally, spitting one-liners and generally being quite attractive. This will they/won’t they interplay will give me someone to write long and terrible erotic fanfiction about.
• Do you know what people like? Pokemon! Let me catch the creatures I fight, befriend them, then mourn them when I accidentally delete my save.
• Eagle vision.
• Where are all the Fortnite-style tie-ins? It’s been nearly an actual fortnight and I’m still unable to play as Cool Spot, Tom Holland or Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
• “Hey! Listen!” – obviously we need Fi or Navi. On the other hand, just having your main character say “hey, there’s something over there” even as you’ve already picked up the thing they’re talking about may solve this issue.
• Bras that have ridiculously high defensive capabilities. This one I’m serious about.
• Rap music.
• Every single room in every single village, town or castle should have long and uninteresting diary entries explaining exactly what is happening – just like in real life.
• A sequel in which you play as your tarnished’s long-lost sibling. Bonus points if this is released in four separate sections as DLC.
• A Battle Royale mode.
• Sad Dad.

I think you’ll all agree that my changes would make Elden Ring a very different experience. The good news is that if From doesn’t patch these things in immediately, every other game this year will probably ship with a good chunk of them. And that, my friends, says it all.